Why am I leaving again?

The topic came up in another forum, "Ways to demotivate your employees". My response consisted entirely of real incidents from my current job (in no particular order):

  • When you're asking one of your developers to rewrite something for the fourth time because you were unable or unwilling to get any specifics and it's been done wrong, and they say they want to get some specifics this time so they don't have to write yet another bunch of code that gets thrown away 24 hours later, a good response to this insolence is, "Well, if you don't want to work here..."
  • 4:45pm is an excellent time to say "Before you leave today, I need you to...", especially on your way out the door to go drinking with the other managers.
  • Additionally, coming back later at 7:00 with those other managers and a couple buddies with the smell of alcohol heavy on your breath, shutting yourself in an office, and showing off your new guitar and amp with loud music and louder laughter, while your employees are still working on that "Before you leave" project well within earshot, does wonders for demotivation.
  • When discussing with fellow managers where you're going to get dinner and what movie you're going to see, make sure you do it gathered around the cubicle of one of your working-late employees. For maximum effect, position yourselves so you are literally talking over his head.
  • Justify any unreasonable expectations by heavy use of the phrase, "[Crap] rolls down hill." (Note: sometimes it helps to give the crap an extra push on its way down.)
  • Never give your employees annual reviews or raises. Rather, remind them how well they're already paid and how cookies and soda in the break room make up the difference.
  • Long lunches, late arrivals, and early departures are the hallmark of successful management. It is especially important not to inform your employees of your schedule, lest they somehow get the idea they're important enough to know your business.
  • Additionally, call your employees at their desk (or log on to instant messenger) at 8am and 5pm when you're not physically present to make sure they're there.
  • Don't let your employees know anything about how the company works on any level other than what you absolutely must tell them for them to do their job (and even then, less information is better than risking giving them too much).
  • Make sure your employees understand it is unacceptable for them to handle any issue without your knowledge or consent. If they do so, make sure they understand how little they know of how the company works to make those decisions.
  • If an employee attempts to contact you (about an issue which they should be asking for your knowledge and consent) when you are out of the office (in late, long lunch, leaving early, and/or taking off unannounced, which you should do regularly), make sure they understand your displeasure at their interruption of "your" time. Express your anger at their lack of knowledge of the way the company works. Use of four-letter words is encouraged here. But don't forget to berate them if they don't contact you for every issue.
  • When you give an assignment to an employee, don't tell him the purpose. (If he asks, a simple "It's not important, just get it done" should suffice.) That way, when the finished task does not fulfill the purpose, you can ask him to do it again.